Catch Up

A lot has happened since the last post I made over a month ago. I had been thinking about whether or not I should keep the blog going, and now have decided to go ahead, but maybe with a little different purpose. The purpose was for parents to see what was going on in Jr. High Ministry at Harvest Fellowship. Here's some update to why that needs to change.
The Thursday before Thanksgiving, I was pulled into the executive pastor's office. In there with him was the senior pastor and the high school pastor. I had a great morning, and we had a great Wed. night the night before, and I was in a great mood. I knew the church was having some financial problems, so when I was called into his office, I knew it was probably going to be bad. I was preparing myself for a 10% pay cut, which they had done to me 2 years earlier. I was in such a good mood, that I really wasn't too upset about that.
The first thing they said to me was that they were having to lay off 4 people, and that I was one of them. I couldn't believe it. The junior high ministry was basically one of the only ministries in the church that was growing and the only one doing any kind of ministry outside of the walls of the church building.
The second thing I couldn't believe is that they let me go instead of the high school pastor who had only been there 2 months, who has no experience as a youth minister. He was a volunteer, and he's great, but he has no experience in youth ministry and leading a group the size of the youth ministry at Harvest.
Needless to say, I was pretty hurt by this and angered by it. I disagreed with a lot of the things the pastor was doing, and instead of speaking up, I kept quiet and focused on youth ministry. I think that was my downfall, because many of the other people didn't know me. The men who made the decision to lay me off didn't know what I had been doing for the last 3 years. The new high school pastor had been at the church for 10 years and knew everybody, and everybody liked him.
The crappy thing is that the pastor was responsible for the financial problems due to some poor decisions on his part. The executive pastor is just as responsible because he was just a glorified "yes man" who tried to make the bad decisions work instead of fighting against them. Because of their work about 25 people have been laid off in the course of a couple of months, because they closed the school down in October.
So, now I am looking for new ministry to be a part of. I think this is actually going to be a blessing because I'm getting out of there. It's been a while since I trusted the senior pastor's leadership. And really should someone be on a church's staff when they don't trust the senior pastor. I had been struggling with that for a while. The only thing is that I can't imagine a better group of youth or of youth workers. They were amazing. I know God is still going to bless the youth ministry because of the workers that are there. I'm going to miss the kids and the volunteers a lot.
So, now I'm a stay-at-home dad looking for a new ministry to become a part of. We're praying that God will lead us back to California. We haven't heard much yet because churches are super busy this time of the year with Christmas extravaganzas, so I imagine the job search will heat up after the New Year.
I'm going to keep this blog up, mainly for myself, to give me something to do. I'll talk about the job search and the things Parker and I get ourselves into. If you are reading this, I hope that you will become a follower of the blog, just so I'll know if anybody is ever reading the stuff that I post.
Hope you guys are having a great Christmas so far.

Sunday Morning Impact

Yesterday morning was a good Sunday morning. It was a little weird and different, but it was good. I started with a game where kids had to come up to the front and stand behind a hook that was hanging from the ceiling. It was a big fish hook, and I covered the sharp end with gum, so they wouldn't stab their eyes out. Then we put donuts on the hook and the point was to see who could eat the most donut without having it fall off the hook. It was fun watching them try to eat it.

Nathan led worship and did a totally unplugged set. They didn't have microphones or their guitars plugged in. It was quiet, but it was really cool because you were able to hear the kids singing. Usually the music is so loud you can't hear people singing, but yesterday, you could really hear the kids singing. It was awesome.

Charles brought the message, and he talked about living as a child of the king. If God is the king, and He is our father, then that would make us princes, so we should live as princes. So often, we live outside of God's kingdom as someone who shouldn't even be in the kingdom at all. He used an example from the Lion King. Simba believed lies that his uncle told him, and he ended up leaving his kingdom. He ate grubs and bugs instead of the meals that a prince should eat. Until Rafiki (not sure how to spell that...I guess I could look it up, but whatever) the monkey came and told him to look at the reflection in the water. Simba said he saw himself, and it was nothing. Then the monkey said, "look harder," and then Simba saw his dad, Musafa, in the reflection. Then he went back to reclaim his kingdom.

So often, we believe lies about ourselves that keeps us from living how God wants us to, as His children. When we should see God's reflection when we see ourselves, many times we see nothing.

I think Charles did a good job in bringing this message, and I hope the kids caught what he was saying to them.

Wed. Night Impact

It's been a long time since I've posted anything. It's been one of those things where I haven't had much to say with a lot of procrastination and busyness. So, I'm planning on making this blog a priority again so that everybody can keep up with what's going on in the junior high ministry and what's going on around here.
Last night, we had Saturate, which is a time of prayer and praise. Gideon led worship and did several songs, and really did a great job. I got up for only a couple of minutes and talked about prayer, and read from Psalm 71. When you feel like you are in a pit and there is no way out, God can and will deliver. If you have a friend who you think feels like they are in a pit, pray for them.
Our student leaders got up and circled the room and made themselves available to pray for kids if they needed it. I think it's awesome when a 6th grader goes up to pray with an 8th grader. I also think it's awesome to see that these kids are going to be so comfortable praying for others at such a young age.
I got to spend some time in prayer with Samantha, who had her house burn down last weekend while we were at the lock-in at Malibu. She lost everything. But this girl is awesome and has such a cool attitude about it all. But it was cool having that prayer time with her. And if you can, please pray for her and her family during this time.

Wed. Night Impact

I was a little disappointed with this Wed. Night. Nathan led worship, and did a great job. It's been tough to find drummers for Wednesdays, but Russ stepped in. He didn't get a chance to rehearse with the band, but he still did a great job. The band was definitely not what I was disappointed with.

I spoke about Sibling Rivalry things. I used the story of Jacob and Esau. Jacob deceived Esau and stole from him and just all-around treated his brother like poop. So, Jacob ran away because he was afraid. Years and years later, Jacob is told by God that he is to come back to him home land, but Jacob is still afraid. When he gets back, Jacob is so afraid and tries to send gifts and apologies to Esau, hoping that will appease Esau. But when Esau sees him, he runs up to him and embraces him and kisses him. Esau had forgiven and forgotten everything Jacob did to him.

My points were that:
1. we need to be humble (don't think of yourselves as better than your siblings)
2. we need to ask for forgiveness
3. we need to be willing to forgive.

I talked about how God wants us to love our family and puts huge emphasis on that. And nothing that bothers us should separate us from our family. It's really a great story, but I don't feel like I did a good job communicating it. I don't think the kids were connected with me. But, they all still had a good time in dodge ball.

Sunday Morning Impact

We had a little different Sunday morning. It's something that we've never done since I've been here. We played a game called "Bible Baseball." The kids got to come up and choose whether they wanted a single, double, triple or home run. I would then ask them a question and if they got it right, they would get to advance the number of bases that they got. We did boys against girls, and the boys won. It was a lot of fun. The purpose was to teach the kids different things about the Bible that they may have not known while at the same time they had fun doing it. I also got to talk a little about the importance of the Bible. Now, it may not be important to know the name of the Mountain that Moses walked up when God showed him the promised land (which is Mount Nebo by the way), but it is important to have a love for the scriptures and the things that God cares about.

Wed. Night Impact

I feel like we had a good Wed. Night Impact last night. My title was "When parents go weird." I gave some examples of my parents and friends parents who went weird. Then I showed why parents go weird...the kids caused them to go weird. I only have a 2 yr. old is pretty good most of the time, but there are other times when he makes us go a little crazy. I'm sure that stuff just happens more often the older they get.

I showed the story of Abraham and Issac, and when Abraham was to sacrifice his son to God. We always look at this from a view that Abraham had such great faith, and we always see it from his point of view. But I took it from Issac's point of view. This kid was carried up a mountain, knowing that they didn't have anything for the sacrifice. They had the wood and fire, but no lamb. Abraham kept telling Issac that "God will provide."

But when they get to the spot there is still no lamb, and then Abraham ties Issac to the altar. Then he raises his knife to slay his son as a sacrifice to God. Most time I've heard this sermon preached, or read about this in commentaries, they make it as though Issac was calm and did whatever his dad wanted. All of the strain and emotion is on Abraham who has to do this horrible act to his son. But I believe Issac was freaking out. I'm sure Abraham had a heck of a time getting him tied to the altar. One, Abraham was over 100 years old and Issac was 12. Two, I have a hard enough time holding Parker down to change his diaper, let alone try to tie a 12 year old up. And once he was tied up, I believe that he was screaming and crying and pleading for his dad to stop. I think he was probably begging for his life. Then a voice came and told Abraham to stop and not touch the boy.

I'm sure Issac was relieved. I'm sure that Issac knew that it was God that had told Abraham to do all of this stuff. But I also believe that it affected Issac's relationship...not to God, but to his father. Issac and Abraham have no more interactions in the Bible after this story. They don't have any conversations. Issac moved away. Abraham didn't even help Issac get a wife, he sent his servant to find him one. I believe Issac loved his father, but I also think this event hurt his relationship with his dad.

Now, when parents go weird and embarrass you or are mean to you, there are 3 things that can happen. First, you can avoid your parents and not really have any relationship with them. Second, you can harbor anger towards them so that every time you see them, it comes back up. Third, you can honor them.

One of the 10 commandments says, "Honor your father and your mother." It doesn't add "only if they treat you right and deserve it." It just ends. So how can we honor our parents.

Ephesians 6:1 says that "Children, obey your parents in the Lord."

So to honor your parents, you have to obey them. Unless they ask you to go smuggle crack into the country or to go and steal bread from orphans, you should obey what your parents say. Even if it's not something that makes sense to you at the time, you should obey your parents.

Second, honor your parents with your words. Instead of back talking, instead of grumbling about them under your breath, instead of complaining about them to your friends, instead of disrespecting them; you should honor them by encouraging them, by telling them you love them. I don't think parents need a pat on the back from their kids and to be told that they're doing a great job, but being pleasant and respectful will go a long way in encouraging parents.

Third, honor them with your actions. Do what you are told without complaining. Clean up after yourself without being asked. Give them hugs. I love getting hugs, but especially from Parker.

Some kids have bad home lives and their parents aren't very honorable. But God still wants us to honor our parents. I think God hates it when somebody hurts a kid, in any way. I think God's heart aches when a kid's heart aches. But I feel that we can't choose our parents, but we can choose to do what is right and honor them.

Sometimes parents will embarrass their kids. Sometimes they'll be mean to their kids. And God still says that we are to honor them with our lives.

Sunday Morning Impact

This past Sunday morning we talked about gossip, but not so much gossip as about tearing people down with our words. If you look at almost any comedian, or late night talk show host, all they do is make fun of other people. They say negative things for a laugh. It's easier to do that. It's easier to point out shortcomings than to build people up. It's easier to tear people down than to encourage them. And gossip is one of the things that is used to tear people down.
Gideon led worship and did a great job. Our game was a messy one, which we haven't done a messy one in a long time. We had kids who were seated knee to knee get blindfolded. Then they had to feed each other a cup of pudding. They couldn't see each other's mouth and it was hilarious to watch them try to feed pudding to somebody's neck.
I think it was a pretty good weekend.

Wed. Night Impact

Last night, I feel we had a great night. Gideon led worship and started with Gorilla/Man/Gun, which the kids always have fun doing. He did a couple of new songs, but the energy seemed to be good during the praise time.

I finished my series on the Fruits of the Spirit by talking about faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Faithfulness means that people see you as trustworthy and when you say you are going to do something, then you are going to do it. Nobody questions you. This should be done in school, chores, sports, or whatever you do. Anything you do, you are going to be honest and you are going to finish, and you are going to give it your best.

Gentleness means that you are gentle. I gave some examples of this, like the mom who kisses a boo-boo and makes it feel better. A dad who gets down and helps his son build a birdhouse or something. People who comfort the sad. And my grandpa, who I really learned a lot about gentleness from last week, who took care of my grandma. (She passed away on Sunday morning and her funeral is going on right now as I type this. Unfortunately I wasn't able to go back for it.) When they brought the hospital bed in for her to basically die in, he told the nurse that it wasn't big enough. The nurse didn't understand since my grandma had gone down to about 85 pounds. My grandpa said to the nurse, "But we're both not going to be able to fit in it." It didn't even cross his mind that she was going to sleep alone. He had a bed in another room about 10 feet away, but instead he pulled up a recliner and slept next to her every night, holding her hand. He's 91, and has aches and pains all over his body, but whenever grandma said anything, he was up and helping her and giving her whatever she needed. He never got frustrated, he was just so gentle with her. I guess I never really saw gentleness as tangible as I did with how my grandpa treated his wife. It was awesome.

Self-Control is staying away from one's desires. Self-control is taught by practice and by discipline. My 2 year old son has no self-control. Whatever he sees he goes for. This kid runs from one thing to the next non-stop. I don't know where he gets the energy. He screams, just for the fun of it, especially when we are out to dinner or at church. He doesn't have the concept of controlling his behavior. So, we have to discipline him, usually time-out or in real bad cases a spanking. He will learn to control himself and that there are some things you can and can't do. Older kids have to discipline themselves. By staying away from something that is wrong, they are developing self-control.

I think it was a good lesson, and I feel the kids understood what I was talking about. I mentioned that living these out is not what makes somebody a Christian, it's your faith in Jesus, but if you have faith in Jesus, these should be evident in our lives.

Wed. Night Impact

Last Wed. we had Saturate which is a night of praise and worship. I give about a 5 to 7 minute little talk to gain a little bit of focus for the night, but the rest is prayer and praise time. We also let some of our jr. high student leaders stand in the back to be there for kids who needed prayer. It was cool to see kids pray with kids. I think we're going to start doing that every time we have Saturate. Nathan led the music because Gideon was feeling a little under the weather. He did a fantastic job. I think this was a great Wed. I also did awesome at dodgeball this week.

Homeless Ministry Pictures

Here are some pictures from Saturday's homeless ministry. We had a great time, and the kids did a great job. They all worked hard and were great about initiating conversations with the people who live under the bridge.

Sunday Morning Impact

Yesterday morning was an above average Sunday Morning. We had very good attendance. Nathan led worship, and did a great job. Our game was fun. We had 2 kids from each grade and gender come up. I gave them each 20 lifesavers, and one of the kids had to lick the lifesaver and stick it to the other's face. It was a lot of fun. The 6th grade girls were the winners.
We finished our series on wisdom. I told some stories off of the Darwin Awards website, and showed how important it is to have wise friends who will keep you from doing foolish things. My small group had a great time, and we talked a lot about how important it is to have wise friends and watch out for the foolish ones. And we defined wisdom as somebody who knows the difference between right and wrong and chooses to do right. I think my 7th grade boys have a pretty good grasp of this, although they think being foolish is a lot more fun.

Wed Night Impact

It's been a while since I've kept up with my blog because of vacation and a few other things. I'm going to try to catch up on a bunch of it this afternoon. So, going back to last Wed, we are continuing our series on the Fruit of the Spirit b talking about patience, kindness and goodness.
Patience is something that I struggle with. I use to think I had a lot of patience, but that was before I was married and had a 2 year old. I was also living in a place that didn't have much traffic. When I moved into a place with a ton of traffic, and got married and had a son who cries a lot, then I started to get a more realistic idea of the fact that I have very little patience. Unfortunately, the Bible says the way you get patience is by trials. The more you go through, the more that patience grows in you. I was actually tested (at least I feel like it was a test) when I was on the airplane coming back from Newark. I had a 2 yr. old next to me, and one behind me. Parker did pretty good. He got a little grumpy towards the end of the trip, but for the most part did a great job. But the 2 yr. old behind me decided he was going to see how long and how high and how loud he could scream, and did it for most of the 3 hour ride. Fortunately, I had enough self-control that I didn't cram an apple down his throat and see how far off the wing I could bounce him. I just turned my iPod up. But, I think it's little things like that where God builds patience. I know people who don't pray for patience because they don't want to go through the process. I know people who pray for patience, Right NOW! It seems like God likes the process more than the end result, and wants to use things to build you. He could wave some sort of magic wand and give you a lot of patience, but I think He enjoys the process of building us.
Kindness: I just talked about how we are to show kindness, even to the people we don't choose to be kind too. We can be kind to total strangers when we choose to be. But we can feel validated of not showing kindness to the guy who cuts in line at a movie, or a guy who cuts us off on the road. It seems to me that kindness is something that is to flow out of us.
Goodness means consistently choosing to do good. We are going to obey God and do what He wants. We are going to try to do good for others and have other's well-being in mind too.
I think it was a good week overall.

Sunday Morning Impact

This past Sunday was a pretty good Sunday. We're continuing our series on wisdom. Gideon led worship and did a great job. Our game was an oldie but goodie. Six kids came up and they had a bunch of "Smartees" on a plate. They had a straw and had to suck the candy on the straw and place them in a cup. The first one to finish would be the winner. The 6th grade boys won.
We talked about why we should have wisdom. The main reason is to keep us from doing stupid stuff. My small group talked a lot about consequences of stupidity, and how wisdom can keep you from making those choices. God has our best interest in mind. He loves us and doesn't want us to get hurt. He doesn't make laws so we can't have fun, but to let us have life to the fullest. If we follow his ways, and search for wisdom, we won't have to suffer the consequences of living foolishly (like a broken leg after jumping off the roof of your house).

Wed. Night Impact

Last night I continued speaking on the Fruits of the Spirit. I've broken it down into three sections, so I'm going to cover 3 of the fruits in each of the talks. So, last night I spoke about love, joy, and peace.
Living a life of love. Love should flow out of us onto others. That sounds nice and makes people happy. But is that really possible. What about when somebody hurts you? What about when somebody hurts your family? In October of 2006, a man went in to an Amish school, tied up the kids, and then murdered five of them, before committing suicide. The Amish community was devastated. But here's how they reacted. First, they went to the killer's family and forgave them. They comforted the family for THEIR loss. One of the Amish fathers hugged the killer's crying father for an hour. They also set up a Charitable fund for the killer's family. Yes, they were sad, but they had so much compassion and love...and they extended it out even to the family of the man who hurt them and their community so much. THAT IS LOVE. That's crazy love. But, I admire that and hope that one day I can be there. It's easy for me to love people as long as they behave and don't hurt me or my family. Honestly, right now, I can't imagine forgiving a person who could hurt and kill my son. Really, I don't even want to think about it. But I feel that this is a love that we are to strive for, a love that goes beyond ourselves.
Living a life of Joy. I Thessalonians 5:16 says "Be joyful always." How is that possible when your life begins to turn into a country song. Your dog ran away, your friends betray you, you lose your job. Joy DOES NOT equal happiness. Joy is a lifestyle. Christian joy doesn't mean that you have to go around whistling Zip-a-dee-do-da out your rear end (taken from Christmas Vacation). Christian joy is the result of the triumph of faith over the hard circumstances in our life. It comes from trust that God is going to take care of us and that He loves us. It comes from the hope that he is going to fulfill all of His promises to us. So, even though we are going through a hard time, we will still have a joyful heart.
Living a life of peace. This "peace" means a calmness with God. It comes from our faith in Jesus, and because of that faith, God doesn't have to hold any sin against us. We have peace with him. And out of that peace with God, we should pass it on to others. So, what if somebody just keeps coming up to you and keeps giving you a hard time, treating you worse than a rat. Where it would be easier to get into a fight than to continue to take abuse. We are to live peaceful.
Now, these are fruit that should be evident in Believers. They're not easy. They're way easier to read about or sing about than to live out. But God is going to give us the strength for it. God is going to take care of us. So, when we come to a trying circumstance, and we're tempted to act out of our emotion or flesh, we have to choose to live by the Spirit.
I added a lot of funny stories to make it a little lighter. I talked about people in my life who I see walk by the Spirit, so that the kids know that it is possible to live out the fruits of the Spirit even when it seems impossible. I think it was a good Wed. night.

Sunday Morning Impact

We had a pretty good Sunday morning. First, Jiggawatt started, which is a game where each small group tries to get points for their team. They can get points by bringing their Bibles, bringing friends, winning our game, and a few other things. After one day, the 7th grade girls are in first place.
Gideon led worship and did a great job. Our game was the Mummy game, where each grade had three people come up and they were given 4 rolls of toilet paper. Then they had to wrap one of the people in their group into a mummy. When they finished all 4 rolls, then they had to run to the back of the youth room and grab some plastic sunglasses and put them on their mummy. The first one to do this was the winner. The 8th grade boys won the game.
We began a new series on wisdom. Wisdom is knowing the difference between right and wrong and continually choosing to do right. Even very intelligent people can give unwise advice. I talked about some unwise things that I had done as a kid (like jumping off roofs of houses). The beginning of wisdom starts at having a fear of God. This isn't like a fear of clowns, it's like a respect and reverence at the awesomeness of God. I'm excited about this series, and we had some great discussion in my small group that morning.

Wed. Night Impact

Last night we had Saturate, which is a time of prayer and praise. Gideon led us in an extended time of worship through songs. I gave a couple of minute talk about desiring God. I read from Psalm 63, and how the psalmist couldn't wait to see God and spend time with God. It was like when you are at the bottom of the pool and you start to run out of breath, and you have to swim up to the surface. Your lungs start hurting and you're not sure if you're going to make it, and then you do and that breath is so sweet. Our desire for God should be like our desire for that breath. I know in my own life, it's not always like that. The kids took a few minutes to focus on Jesus, and tell him how much they love him. Gideon finished the night with a few more songs. It was a very good Wed. night.

Sunday Morning Impact

I think this was a pretty good week. It was the first week that the new 6th graders got to go into their small groups. It was also Jerry's last day with us. His son, Josh, led worship for us.
We played a game that I made up. It was called Simon Says Extreme. Basically, it was "Simon Says" but we added a twist. I gave a couple of guys nerf balls. They soaked them in a water bucket, and then chunked them at kids. If the kid dodged the ball or caught the ball, then they would be out because Simon didn't say catch the ball or dodge. Most of the kids just took it. It ended up not going as well as I had hoped. I think next time we need to make the water balls wetter. I had the guys squish most of the water out of them before they threw them. But it was fun.
Our lesson was about speaking truth. So many times people think that there are several ways to get to heaven. No one has the right truth. So how do we talk to people about truth without putting their defensives up. Jesus spoke about difficult truths, and used everyday things that everybody knew about to explain them. We used the passage from John, where Jesus said that he was the "bread of life." I think it went pretty good. My small group seemed to understand and had a good concept of the teaching and the scripture. So overall, I think it was a good week.

Wed. Night Impact

Last night, I feel like we had a great night. It was Jerry's last Wed., and he just went around hanging out with kids. Gideon led worship. He's going to be taking over for good with Jerry leaving. He did a very good job. Michaela was his other singer, and she sounded great. It was the best I've ever heard her.
I spoke about the Fruits of the Spirit. The scripture was Galatians 5:16-26. First, the sinful nature and living by the Spirit have different goals. The sinful nature puts the self first and doesn't think about others. Living by the Spirit goes over what is best for you and what is best for others.
We went through some of the things that you do when living by the sinful nature. Some of them seem like fun. Some of them seem easier. For instance, it's easier to be jealous of somebody than to be happy for somebody. Because being happy for somebody means that you have to put the other person.
Then we went through the fruits of the Spirit. These should be evident in our lives. When we accepted Jesus as savior and made him the Lord of our lives, our sinful nature died. We are no longer slaves to that. We can't use that as an excuse, "well, I'm going to do these things because I'm a sinner." No, God will help us. It doesn't mean that we aren't going to sin. We're never going to be perfect. God knows this. If we were able to be perfect, that's what he would expect from us. If we were able to be perfect, then there was no sense in sending Jesus to die on the cross. He shows us crazy grace, but it's not a license to sin. I think we have a responsibility to try to live out the Fruits of the Spirit.
So, I ended with challenging them to see how they can make these more evident in their lives. How can they be more patient with the teacher who is driving them crazy? How can they show kindness to the kid that treats them bad? How can they show gentleness to the little brother or sister who is going to give them a brain seizure because they are bothering them so much?

Then we played a big game of dodgeball, and the new 6th graders kept getting me out. I was taking it easy on them...NOT ANYMORE!

Sunday Morning Impact

We had a pretty good Sunday Morning. It was a little different though this week. We started with a game, "Toe Fencing," where two people grab hands and they have to step on the other person's toe. The first one to do that wins. When they get going it looks like a fun little dance. We keep going until everybody has been eliminated. Dane was the winner yesterday.
Nathan led worship and did a good job. He did a few new songs that were pretty cool.
Instead of having a message we had the kids who went to Mission Impact give their testimonies. They talked about the fun stuff and how they helped people. Mostly it seemed like the kids enjoyed going to the Baptist Children's Home the most. They also liked playing BINGO at the assisted living facility. It's cool to see how they saw God working through them that week. In High School the kids seemed to like the Food Bank the best, even though they were the ones who had to go through the nasty food with spiders and maggots in it. It's interesting how the kids from different ages liked different things.

Monday Madness Pictures

Here's some pictures from Monday Madness.